Worst. Sportswriting. Ever.

I like to read. I sort of fancy myself as a writer who doesn't write (short of this blog, which, I have confirmation, is now read by at least 5 people other than my parents), and that's what non-writing writers do. They read. A lot. And, having no job (or as my buddy Big Tall Andy has put it, "no visible means of support"), I have plenty of time to read, so I do. It's the only thing that I do that allows me to justify watching as much TV as I watch, which is approaching a record amount of time. In fact, just yesterday I defended my extensive TV watching out loud, telling Amanda, "Yeah, but I read a lot of books, too."

Last month, when I was in Houston, I borrowed a bunch of books from Mom. One of them was written by a guy who wrote one of my favorite books of all time, Fab Five, about the exciting all-Freshman starting 5 on the University of Michigan basketball team of 1992-1993 (when they lost one to the NBA. After that, they went nameless, because "Fab Four + One Random Dude" didn't really seem like a good nickname).



According to his website, he's been voted the #1 sports columnist in the nation for the past 13 years. His name is Mitch Albom, and he is a great sportswriter, as well as a great sports commentator, especially on ESPN's "The Sports Reporters" (before Dick Schaap died, at least, but I haven't watched it since - purely coincidental, though I can say with about 97.8% certainty that nobody else can do it better than Schaap).

The only reason most people have even heard of Mitch Albom, though, has nothing to do with his sports reporting. Most people, myself included, read Tuesdays With Morrie a few years ago, and really enjoyed it. Maybe we cried, maybe we didn't (I can neither confirm nor deny), but we most likely felt like it. It was a touching narrative about learning life's lessons from a beloved mentor, the most important of which, I'm pretty sure, is don't wait until your beloved mentor is knock knock knocking on heaven's door before you start learning life's lessons from him.

So, when I picked up The Five People You Meet in Heaven, I picked it up expecting something not quite as good as Tuesdays With Morrie, but at least in the same ballpark. Sort of like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2, not quite as good as the original, but certainly worth the effort. Boy, was I wrong. I would like to slap the face of everyone who has read this book and given it a positive review, or even a slight recommendation, except Mom, because I would certainly never, ever, slap my momma. But the sentiment is still there.

Put simply, this book sucked. It was one huge cliche that was full of smaller cliches, it was more predictable than an episode of Jerry Springer (what? she's really a man? i don't believe it!), and to make matters worse, it really wasn't very interesting at all. The only part of the book that I sort of enjoyed reading was about Eddie's escape from a POW camp, but it took too long to get there, and after it was over, there was still too much left. (If I want an interesting story about a POW camp that ultimately fails to hold my attention, I'll watch The Deerhunter. Yeah, that's right, I said it. I didn't like The Deerhunter, either. Except for that scene with Walken playing Russian Roulette. Yikes!)

The main thing I hated about this book was the smug, holier-than-thou viewpoint Albom seems to have had while writing it. Does Mitch Albom, a sportswriter, claim to know what heaven is like, if there happens to be one? Who does he think he is, one of the creators of the Left Behind series?? And even if there is a heaven, how did writing about Jalen Rose, Bill Laimbeer and Bo Schembeckler give him a frame of reference?? Please, for the love of all things having nothing to do with God, go back to sportswriting!! Stop giving us more of this Chicken Soup for the Unimaginative Soul C-R-A-P.

As an unexpected bonus, however, I give you this. They have made this horrible book into a probably horrible movie, starring Angelina Jolie's dad, the dude from Dumb and Dumber, and Christopher from The Sopranos. This is probably worth a watch, just for the comedy factor. Straight to video. How shocking.

If there is a heaven, and you really do meet five people there, I hope one of my people is Mitch Albom, so I can tell him how much I liked Fab Five, and how much I hated Five People. I also kind of hope one of my people is Neil Diamond. Might make the transition a little easier if I could hear "September Morn" or "Shiloh" while my eternity begins to take shape.