Every Single One of Us Is a Devil Inside

(listening to: Devil Inside, INXS)

(note, even though it's currently Wednesday afternoon, I'm posting this as of last night, since that's when I wrote it but couldn't get in front of a computer until now.)

I don't know if anyone out there is watching CBS's Rock Star: INXS show, but I just discovered it last week and it's killing me that I missed the first half of the season. Now, we all know that I'm not really one for exaggeration, but this could be one of the best reality shows of all time, behind The Real World, MTV Cribs and Nick & Jessica: Newlyweds.

Here's the premise. Most everyone knows that back in 1997, Michael Hutchence, INXS's then lead singer, died under somewhat mysterious circumstances. He either hung himself intentionally or hung himself accidentally in the middle of a little self-gratification. Anyway, the band's been dormant for 8 years, and now they're ready to get back in the game, but they're without a frontman. So, they did what any cred-obsessed rock band would do, they got their own reality show. It was my skepticism, based on this ridiculous notion, that prevented me from watching until I caught it by accident last week. Damn you, skepticism!!

Every Tuesday, each contestant performs a song with the house band (who kicks ass, by the way, but why do they need a house band when INXS is sitting comfortably not 20 feet away??), then the viewing audience gets to call in and vote for their favorite. It's like American Idol, but with a point, and more talent, and a refreshing lack of Ryan Seacrest. Instead, we get Brooke Burke. That's like getting Roger Clemens to take the mound and only having to give up Mark Grace, a career first baseman who once pitched in a game because the bullpen was depleted, and even he couldn't get through the inning without laughing. As an added bonus, last night, Brooke's skirt was so short it was practically a belt. Ouch!

So, after the votes are tallied, everyone reassembles for Wednesday's show, where instead of just sending someone back to their job at Barnes & Noble, the "Bottom 3" vote getters have one last chance at redemption by singing an INXS song that the band has chosen for them. Neat little twist, actually. Gives the show some purpose. After the 3 performances, the band arbitrarily ends someone's dreams of stardon.

It might not sound like much, but it just works. Trust me.

I can't decide who's more interesting, though, the contestants or INXS, with co-host Dave Navarro. That part's kind of random, but adds an immeasurable amount of hilarity to the show. Let's do the contestants first.

Since I missed the first half of the season, I only know about who's left. I'm not going to bore you by talking about each one. I do, however, want to say that one of them, Jessica, is smoking hot and dresses like Lucy Lawless's understudy on Xena Warrior Princess. Unfortunately, she can't sing worth a damn. Actually, she can sing ok, but she stands motionless on stage like her soul has been eaten by the shiny demon in that Tenacious D song (AND WE SAID NAY, WE ARE BUT MEN!). She's been in the Bottom 3 for 2 of the past 3 weeks, and she'll probably be there again this week. Good looks will only get you so far, and she's definitely along for the ride.

The real talents on the show are J.D. Fortune (is that a great name, or what) and Jordice (something, don't know her last name). My prediction is that it comes down to the two of them, with J.D. ultimately winning because he's a man, even though Jordice is a more talented singer. I don't say that to be sexist, I just think that INXS is going to snag a dude on this deal, that's all.

Speaking of INXS, my favorite part of the show (without taking anything away from the truly talented performances) is when the band and Reality Show Staple Dave Navarro (of 'Till Death Do Us Part: Carmen and Dave and Bravo's Celebrity Poker Showdown - look for him on VH1's The Surreal Life 17 in a couple of years, I just have a hunch on this one.) gives each contestant their post-performance critique. I like this for many reasons, not the least of which is that they are all sitting on thrones. If these guys are music royalty, they must reign over the rock and roll equivalent of France. I'm just saying. Secondly, I love that most of INXS wears their sunglasses indoors. I thought only Bono and Stevie Wonder could get away with that. The bass player's name is Garry Beers - a classic rock and roll name. And Kirk Pengilly, the band's saxophone/guitarist, has a hilarious wispy little mustache and soul patch that makes him look like one of those toys you can buy for a dollar with the iron filings that you arrange on the guy's face with the little magnet stick? Somebody's got to know what I'm talking about, right?? Anybody??

When they're critiquing each performance, they're all very careful not to be too harsh - the anti-Simon Cowells - and Dave Navarro invariably tells each girl how hot she looks and how much hotter she is looking from week to week. Maybe Carmen Electra told him to bring home a little treat for mommy. With the guys, he always ends up thanking them for some reason. It's very strange. Thank you for taking a risk with your song selection, thanks for giving it your all out there, thank you for helping me stay in the spotlight just a little bit longer.

Bottom line is this: this show has some star power (INXS, Dave Navarro-Electra, and the hottest woman on Earth in Brooke Burke), a practical purpose (finding INXS a new lead singer to save them from obscurity), and actual talent. The one reality TV show quality it doesn't have is unnecessary drama. No one's fighting with each other or trashing anyone behind their backs, and not only that, they all seem to be openly rooting for each other to win the contest, rather than mouthing off and singing their own praises. They get up and rock out during each other's performances, they hold hands and dance together, and they actually look genuinely upset when their friends get announced in the Bottom 3. All except for Brandon, who is a showman but not much of a singer, and I'm predicting that he's a goner tomorrow night.

I hate that I missed the first half of this season, but I'm worried that, since this is a reality show, they'll feel the need to beat this dead horse season after season with new bands. Next year's Rock Star will be Alice in Chains looking for Layne Staley's replacement, followed by Rock Star: Blind Melon trying to find the next ShannonHoon. As long as we don't have to suffer through Rock Star: Digital Underground so the "Humpty Dance" guy can replace Tupac Shakur and finally move out of his mother's basement, then I guess we'll be ok.