First Name Guys

(listening to: The Rising, Bruce)

Today's the third day in a row that it poured in Los Angeles. That just seems wrong.

So, I was watching the Astros game a few days ago with The Roommate (clarification: Amanda and I have a third roommate, as I may have mentioned before. His name is Josh, but for purposes of this blog, I'm going with The Roommate. No disrespect intended.), and the atrocious announcers (it was probably one of Joe Morgan's games) were talking about Roger Clemens, and they kept calling him "Roger," like they know him. The Roommate pointed out how that's just wrong, athletes should be referred to by last name as a rule, and I agree with him on this. That got me thinking, though, about the First Name Guys, the guys who everybody, or most people, call by their first names, and everybody knows who they're talking about. Roger Clemens is not a "Roger," he's a "Clemens." I don't think anyone would disagree with me here (primarily because it's such a stupid topic to spend more than 2.5 seconds on, but hey, these are the kind of things that keep me up at night). And I'm not talking about nicknames, like "Tiger" or "Rocket." I'm talking about actual first names, or parts of first names, like nobody would argue with me that my name's not Ben, even though Ben is short for Benjamin. Also, it has to be an easily associated name. Like, Joe. Joe who? Joe Montana, Joe Namath, Joe Frazier?? Doesn't work.

Inevitably, I started making a list of First Name Guys, then some of them sort of grouped themselves together on their own. For instance, the Boston Red Sox have 3 immediate First Name Guys in their recent history with Pedro (Martinez), Manny (Ramirez) and Nomar (Garciaparra). Nobody refers to them by their last names. Ever. Next come the Los Angeles Lakers, with 4 FNG's in Shaq(uille O'Neal), Kobe (Bryant), Kareem (Abdul-Jabaar) and Wilt (Chaimberlain). Maybe even a fifth with Phil (Jackson), but I just don't think so. Interestingly enough, the Manning family has their own category of FNG'ers with Archie, Peyton and Eli. (Maybe that's just because I'm biased, as a Southerner, but you say those names in just about any of the Red States, and people know EXACTLY who you mean. Sorry, but Cooper just doesn't make it.)

Other than those ready-made groups, I've also come up with the following FNG'ers: LeBron (James), Hakeem (Olajuwon), Rudy (did that guy even HAVE a last name??), Deuce (McAllister - again, could be the Southern bias), Deion (Sanders), Manu (Ginobli), and (Domi)Nique (Wilkins).

Honorable Mentions go to possible FNG'ers such as Emmett (Smith), Tino (Martinez), LaVar (Arrington), LaDanian (Tomlinson - would have been a lock if he hadn't stolen LT from Lawrence Taylor. I will NOT call him LT.), Tiki (Barber), and Ricky (Williams - again, it all depends on who you're talking to, I guess, but if I mention Ricky to anyone who knows me, they know who I'm talking about.) In that regard, Vince (Young) and Jamaal (Charles) are well on their way to becoming first ballot FNG'ers, as long as they keep playing like they mean it. Major (Applewhite) had it. The other guy didn't.

Of course, this extends beyond the realm of sports. In music, you've got Ringo (Starr), Jerry (Garcia), Bruce (Springsteen), and even Madonna (whatever her last 4 names are, I can't remenber them and don't feel like looking them up). Maybe even Britney (Spears). I'd argue for Jimi (Hendrix), but there are those who would refute that with Jimmy (Page), so who knows. Nicknames like Sting and Bono don't even come close to counting. You could make the argument that if Ringo is an FNG'er, than John (Lennon), Paul (McCartney) and George (Harrison) should be as well, but I just don't think they hold up on their own as well as they did when the four are together. The same can certainly be said for their music.

I can't think of anyone in television and movies who deserves FNG status as much as Jack (Nicholson), but you also have guys like Jay (Leno), Dave (Letterman) and my favorite, Conan (O'Brien), along with everybody's favorite daytime titans Regis (Philbin), Oprah (Winfrey) and Ellen (DeGeneres). I guess you could also give FNG status to the man that hates everybody, Chevy (Chase), although that's not his real name, so screw him. Also, morphing from the entertainment industry into the political arena, you've got Arnold (Schwarzenneger). From there you can grab Condi (Rice), Erskin (Bowles - that's for you, Jeremy), Strom (Thurmond), and delve back into history with our friends Abe (Lincoln) and Mao (Tse-Tung).

Like I said, these are the things that get inside my head and I'm stuck with until I get them out. If anybody can think of anyone I left off, please leave me a comment and let me know.

PS - I just thought of a few more: Herschel (Walker) and Isiah (Thomas).