Football Good, Football Bad

(listening to: Come Pick Me Up, Ryan Adams)

We'll start with the good.

TEXAS IS NUMBER ONE IN THE BCS STANDINGS!!! Somehow (maybe because we kick ASS!), we overtook USC by .0007 to take the lead in the BCS standings. We're still a healthy #2 in the polls, but I'll take the lead in the BCS with a runner-up in the AP. I'll also continue to keep my fingers crossed for the Horns to make their way out to Pasadena for a January 4 appearance. My fingers have been crossed for so long, by the way, they're starting to meld together, like Oswald Cobblepot in the crappy Batman movie. I've also stopped shaving, but I think that's less of a superstitious thing than it is just an "I really hate shaving" thing.

In other news, does anyone want to buy a fantasy football team?? I can get you one at a rate. After a fierce 3-0 start in which I scored 110, 124 and 128 points, I had an early bye week and came back weakened, going 0-3, scoring 71, 37 and 77 points. This week, my two leading scorers were my kicker and my defense, for crying out loud!! What is wrong with these guys?? They're just not trying their hardest. They don't seem to understand what it takes to win. Yes, dammit, I know I'm talking about a fake team. I'm matched up against The Wolf this week, and this is make it or break it. I'm 3-3 and The Wolf is in the driver's seat with a 5-1 record.

Luckily, my team isn't the most pathetic in our league. Fred, who was in first place until this week, managed to score 9 points this weekend. He'll probably break into double digits tonight, as long as Curtis Martin manages to have at least 10 yards rushing, but then again, LaDanian was held to only 7 yards rushing yesterday, so you never know.

Luckily, everybody makes the playoffs.

But, hey, have I mentioned that Texas is NUMERO UNO in the BCS??

On Tour

Last Saturday morning, while Ole Miss was giving Bama fans a scare before finally losing on a last second field goal, Amanda and I were on a guided architectural tour of downtown LA, which turned out to focus on about two square blocks, but since it was free, I would definitely say it was worth it. I even learned a few things.





Things I Learned While on a Guided Architectural Tour of Downtown LA:
1. The colorful glass pyramid on top of the downtown branch of the Los Angeles Public Library was originally designed to be a dome, but since it was built in 1922, they changed it to a pyramid to capitalize on the popularity of all things Egyptian following the King Tut discovery. Somehow, I managed to forget to take a picture of that.

2. The Biltmore Hotel in Los Angeles has absolutely no association whatsoever to the Biltmore Estate in North Carolina. They just named it that because they wanted people to think it was fancy. That doesn't sound too kosher to me.




3. The Subway Terminal Building, which is no longer a subway terminal and is being converted into high-end luxury condos, was once used to house something like 300,000 pounds of Saltine crackers in the late 1950's (I think), in case of a nuclear threat. They aren't there anymore. They were moved to somewhere in Utah. I'm not even making that up.




4. I learned that when you meet a couple wearing University of Michigan shirts, they probably went to Michigan. I learned that when you make small talk with them during your guided architectural tour of downtown LA, you can say things like "Big game against Penn State today," and they will probably respond "Did you go to Michigan?" I learned that when you say, "No, I went to Texas," a few seconds will pass as they remember the Rose Bowl loss to Texas before they say "Oh," and then it's best just to smile and enjoy the architecture.

If anyone wants to see more pictures, leave a comment and I will email you the ophoto album.

First Name Guys

(listening to: The Rising, Bruce)

Today's the third day in a row that it poured in Los Angeles. That just seems wrong.

So, I was watching the Astros game a few days ago with The Roommate (clarification: Amanda and I have a third roommate, as I may have mentioned before. His name is Josh, but for purposes of this blog, I'm going with The Roommate. No disrespect intended.), and the atrocious announcers (it was probably one of Joe Morgan's games) were talking about Roger Clemens, and they kept calling him "Roger," like they know him. The Roommate pointed out how that's just wrong, athletes should be referred to by last name as a rule, and I agree with him on this. That got me thinking, though, about the First Name Guys, the guys who everybody, or most people, call by their first names, and everybody knows who they're talking about. Roger Clemens is not a "Roger," he's a "Clemens." I don't think anyone would disagree with me here (primarily because it's such a stupid topic to spend more than 2.5 seconds on, but hey, these are the kind of things that keep me up at night). And I'm not talking about nicknames, like "Tiger" or "Rocket." I'm talking about actual first names, or parts of first names, like nobody would argue with me that my name's not Ben, even though Ben is short for Benjamin. Also, it has to be an easily associated name. Like, Joe. Joe who? Joe Montana, Joe Namath, Joe Frazier?? Doesn't work.

Inevitably, I started making a list of First Name Guys, then some of them sort of grouped themselves together on their own. For instance, the Boston Red Sox have 3 immediate First Name Guys in their recent history with Pedro (Martinez), Manny (Ramirez) and Nomar (Garciaparra). Nobody refers to them by their last names. Ever. Next come the Los Angeles Lakers, with 4 FNG's in Shaq(uille O'Neal), Kobe (Bryant), Kareem (Abdul-Jabaar) and Wilt (Chaimberlain). Maybe even a fifth with Phil (Jackson), but I just don't think so. Interestingly enough, the Manning family has their own category of FNG'ers with Archie, Peyton and Eli. (Maybe that's just because I'm biased, as a Southerner, but you say those names in just about any of the Red States, and people know EXACTLY who you mean. Sorry, but Cooper just doesn't make it.)

Other than those ready-made groups, I've also come up with the following FNG'ers: LeBron (James), Hakeem (Olajuwon), Rudy (did that guy even HAVE a last name??), Deuce (McAllister - again, could be the Southern bias), Deion (Sanders), Manu (Ginobli), and (Domi)Nique (Wilkins).

Honorable Mentions go to possible FNG'ers such as Emmett (Smith), Tino (Martinez), LaVar (Arrington), LaDanian (Tomlinson - would have been a lock if he hadn't stolen LT from Lawrence Taylor. I will NOT call him LT.), Tiki (Barber), and Ricky (Williams - again, it all depends on who you're talking to, I guess, but if I mention Ricky to anyone who knows me, they know who I'm talking about.) In that regard, Vince (Young) and Jamaal (Charles) are well on their way to becoming first ballot FNG'ers, as long as they keep playing like they mean it. Major (Applewhite) had it. The other guy didn't.

Of course, this extends beyond the realm of sports. In music, you've got Ringo (Starr), Jerry (Garcia), Bruce (Springsteen), and even Madonna (whatever her last 4 names are, I can't remenber them and don't feel like looking them up). Maybe even Britney (Spears). I'd argue for Jimi (Hendrix), but there are those who would refute that with Jimmy (Page), so who knows. Nicknames like Sting and Bono don't even come close to counting. You could make the argument that if Ringo is an FNG'er, than John (Lennon), Paul (McCartney) and George (Harrison) should be as well, but I just don't think they hold up on their own as well as they did when the four are together. The same can certainly be said for their music.

I can't think of anyone in television and movies who deserves FNG status as much as Jack (Nicholson), but you also have guys like Jay (Leno), Dave (Letterman) and my favorite, Conan (O'Brien), along with everybody's favorite daytime titans Regis (Philbin), Oprah (Winfrey) and Ellen (DeGeneres). I guess you could also give FNG status to the man that hates everybody, Chevy (Chase), although that's not his real name, so screw him. Also, morphing from the entertainment industry into the political arena, you've got Arnold (Schwarzenneger). From there you can grab Condi (Rice), Erskin (Bowles - that's for you, Jeremy), Strom (Thurmond), and delve back into history with our friends Abe (Lincoln) and Mao (Tse-Tung).

Like I said, these are the things that get inside my head and I'm stuck with until I get them out. If anybody can think of anyone I left off, please leave me a comment and let me know.

PS - I just thought of a few more: Herschel (Walker) and Isiah (Thomas).

CAN YOU DIG IT??

Well, the Red Sox are down 2 games to the White Sox in a best of 5 series, which doesn't bode well, however, they did come back last year against the Yankees and win 4 in a row, and they did come back against the A's 2 years ago and win 3 in a row, so I guess they're not out of it yet. I can guarantee you that on Friday afternoon, between the hours of 1:19 p.m., PST (why do baseball games start at the most ass-backward times??) and 4:19-ish, I will be virtually unavailable on my cell phone. Please, Andrea, if you're reading this, don't call me then. Any other time is great, but not then.

Andrea, my sister, who has proven herself the smartest of the three of us by moving to Maui 4 years ago and almost never looking back, has quite a history of jinxing sporting events for me. The most egregious example of this happened back in the Spring of 1998 - I was a senior in college and she a freshman, and Ole Miss was playing Valparaiso in the NCAA tournament. We (the Rebs) were up by 4 with like 0:48 left in the game, when Andrea calls me and says something to the effect of, "They're gonna win, they're gonna win!!"

I immediately yelled at her for taunting the Sports Gods, told her in no uncertain terms (which she repeatedly ignores) to NEVER do that again, and hung up the phone, in the hopes of making amends for my younger sister's transgression. The Sports Gods were not swayed by my ex post facto loyalty, and following this, SEC Player of the Year Ansu Sesay missed four straight free-throws, including two with 0:04 left on the clock, Ole Miss up by two. Valpo then inbounds the ball to Bryce Drew (son of coach Homer Drew - DOH!), and he dribbles almost the length of the floor and hits a 3-pointer at the buzzer to win the game. Normally, since that fateful day, I try not to answer Andrea's calls during big games. She's got uncanny timing.

Anyway, she called again today, in the 5th inning, Red Sox up 4-2, and I was excited to hear from her, momentarily forgetting my "No Calls From Andrea During Big Games" rule, and answered the phone. "Hey!" I said, to which she responded, "Hey, how are you??" to which I responded, "SHIT!" because it was at that exact moment that Tadahito Iguchi of the White Sox hit a three-run homer to put the Pale Hose ahead 5-4, which remained the score until the end of the game.

I only have myself to blame.


If there is anything, however, that could make me feel better about the Sox loss today, it is this:

The Warriors - The Ultimate Director's Cut (you're gonna have to scroll down just a bit after you click on this to get the full effect)

Came out yesterday, and I just found out about it. I'm getting numb just thinking about it. All new special features, behind the scenes stuff, the works. I don't think there is any commentary track, but I could be wrong, and who really cares anyway. All I can say is, Neola, Tommy, Karen, Brandy, Robert, Mac, you get yourselves to Los Angeles, and I mean right quick.

Be lookin' good, Warriors. All the way back to Coney. You hear me babies? Good.

Unscheduled Maintenance

I just watched this week's "OC" and wrote a pretty darn funny post about it, which was instantly lost when I hit the "publish" button because of this website's un-fucking-scheduled maintenance, so not only are you not going to be able to read it, I certainly am not going to recreate the entire fucking thing, nor could I if I wanted to.

Sorry about the fucking language. I'm pissed.