The Biggest Douchebag Ever

Slightly edging out Karl Rove and the guy who lives next door to me (I swear if you bang on the wall again, I'm going to put you through it - I do NOT slam the door!!), Barry Bonds has done more in recent years to cement his legacy as a douchebag than anyone I can think of. I went to a San Francisco Giants game at Dodger Stadium last summer for the sole purpose of booing him as loudly as I could, and hoping to start up a "Barry Sucks!" chant (and, b/c I was offered a free ticket), but he didn't play. Though that is not the reason I consider him a douchebag.

Barry Bonds might have gone down in history as one of the greatest hitters ever to play the game. He might have been in the top 10 in home runs hit, and he might have been remembered as an 8-time Gold Glove winner, 7-time MVP, and 13-time All-Star. A clearer path to Cooperstown could not be imagined. But none of that was good enough, so he decided the physical size of his head should more closely resemble the size of his ego (See photo at right - that thing's got it's own gravitational pull. HEED! PAPER, NOW!!).

Instead, he will be remembered as a douchebag. A stain on the National Pasttime. A liar, a cheater, and a miserable, miserable human being. If I were Bud Selig (who's a decent douchebag in his own right), I would see to it that Barry Bonds were banned from Major League Baseball, and I would remove his statistics since the 1998 season (when steroid dealer Greg Anderson became his trainer) from all record books.

Other than all of those other reasons I think Bonds is a stain, a liar, a cheater, and a miserable human being - and a douchebag - I just added another one to the list. HE'S A DOUCHEBAG. Ok, to be fair, that's not really a reason, but I have new support for my opinion. According to the Associated Press, Bonds failed a test for amphetamines in 2006, and when he learned of the test results, he blamed it on something he took from teammate Mark Sweeney's locker.

HE BLAMED HIS POSITIVE TEST FOR AMPHETAMINES ON SOMETHING HE TOOK FROM A TEAMMATE'S LOCKER.

Is there a bigger douchebag thing to do? Maybe if he then went over to Sweeney's house and took a dump in the middle of his living room, but short of that, I'm not sure there is. The thing that jumps right out at me, and I can't believe I haven't seen this angle in any of the articles I've read on the subject today, is this: If he took it from Mark Sweeney's locker, he is implying one of two things. Either he asked Mark Sweeney for amphetamines (which proves his intent to take amphetamines), or he stole something from his teammate. Now, let's assume he didn't ask Mark Sweeney for amphetamines. We're left with Barry Bonds: Thief. He either stole the drugs from Sweeney's locker thinking they were something completely legal and legitimate (in which case - WHY STEAL THEM??), or he stole them knowing they were illegal and not legitimate (in which case - YOU'RE A DOUCHEBAG!!).

I don't understand why the San Fransisco Giants and Major League Baseball, and fans of both institutions, are willing to put up with this kind of behavior and utter contempt for the high regard most of us still have for the game of baseball. If Keyshawn Johnson and Terrell Owens can get sent home for the remainder of a football season for merely being hard to deal with, yet breaking no laws or league rules, then Barry needs to go. If for no other reason than we do not need douchebags like him continuing to ruin baseball.

I've just used the word douchebag 10 times (11, if you count this sentence), and I don't feel that I've even come close to expressing how much I hate that Barry Bonds is still a part of baseball and society in general.

Jan. 12 Update - Bonds now claims he did not take anything from Mark Sweeney's locker. This is just another reason he's a douchebag - ruining a perfectly good blog post about what a douchebag he is, only one day after it is written.