How to Eat Like a College Student

After Saturday's fitness experiment (where Amanda was very excited to see Jeanne Tripplehorn, Tom Cruise's hot wife from The Firm and co-star of fellow Jacobs Camp alum Ginnifer Goodwyn in HBO's Big Love), I had to go home and rest. Big day ahead. There was a Texas alumni barbecue down in Redondo Beach, and they were bringing in Salt Lick Barbecue for the occasion, as well as all-you-can-drink Shiner Bock.

We got to the barbecue around 5:00, and they were supposed to start serving dinner at 5:30. No dice. More like 6:30. At least they had beer and the DVD of the Rose Bowl to keep everybody happy until the food was ready.

I haven't had Salt Lick in years, but it's like riding a bike, you just don't forget how to handle a Salt Lick meal. Step one: starve yourself all day, so you're really really hungry by the time the meat hits the table. Check. Step two: drown (and I mean drown) EVERYTHING on your plate in sauce. Meat, bread, potato salad. Everything. Check. Step three: eat your first heaping plate of ribs, sausage and brisket (leave the chicken alone) as fast as possible, so you don't realize you're full until well into the second plate. Check. Step four: when you start to falter during your second plate, drink a little Coke in order to burp a few times and make some more room in your stomach. Check. Step five: when you realize you're not going to be able to handle much more, eat the sausage first. Everything else is just there to keep the sausage company while it waits to be eaten. Check.

I went at this stuff like my life depended on it. I was so stuffed that I could barely eat lunch the next day. That night we went to a party that some friends of ours were having, and I just sat on the couch the whole time nursing a bottle of beer and a glass of room-temperature Sprite. I was like an overfed baby, I just wanted to lie down and burp until I felt better. When I complained to Amanda that I was so full it hurt, she said, "Well you were shoveling it into your face! You need to learn to eat smaller portions." I responded by telling her that I do know how to eat smaller portions, but that this was Salt Lick, this was different. True, I was in pain (something that didn't happen 10 years ago), but if I had it to do all over again, the only thing I would change would be to try to smuggle some extra sausage out in a cup or a ziploc bag.